Mr Afzal Khan still remembers the first time he watched Dr. MA glide into the operating theatre, phone in one hand, ring-light in the other, greeting the unconscious patient with a cheery “Smile for the story!” It was love at first cringe. Here, finally, was a man who understood that modern medicine isn’t about petty things like survival rates—it’s about content, baby.
What a visionary.
His innovative approach to anatomy, which he seems to re-discover in real-time during surgery, is nothing short of breathtaking. Lesser mortals rely on tedious textbooks and decades of cadaver dissection. Not our Dr. MA. He possesses a truly unique relationship with the scalpel; it dances with a thrilling, unpredictable freedom that keeps the entire theatre on the edge of their lead-lined seats. Who needs preoperative imaging when you have raw intuition—and an army of junior residents to mop up the surprises?
And let us speak, with reverence, of his post-operative care. It is a masterclass in keeping patients on their toes—and frequently in the ICU, on ventilators, under the tender embrace of pressors. Dr. MA doesn’t just follow medical literature; he boldly operates in a realm beyond it, a place where arteries hide in whimsical new locations and haemostats are apparently optional lifestyle accessories.
Of course, the true genius of Dr. MA lies not in the theatre but in the edit suite. While lesser surgeons boast about success rates, Dr. MA crafts compelling narratives. A simple intraoperative exsanguination becomes a “heroic battle against a rogue vessel.” A routine anastomotic leak is rebranded as “a complex, teachable moment for the entire medical community.” His former patients don’t merely expire; they graduate—with honours—to a higher level of care, usually involving marble headstones and very understanding undertakers. Dr. MA has a staggering number of procedures that have “contributed significantly to our understanding of surgical limits,” which is corporate-speak for “we now know exactly how much blood a human can lose before the lawyers arrive.”
His waiting room isn’t for anxious families; it’s a green room for the next breakfast-television segment. Dr. MA doesn’t just make incisions; he makes headlines. He has transformed the humble informed-consent form into a work of speculative fiction, outlining possibilities we didn’t even know were medically possible—multiple organ failure as a “rare but cinematic outcome,” wrongful death suits as “feedback from an engaged patient community.”
I once asked a colleague why the hospital keeps Dr. MA on staff despite the, ahem, spirited mortality statistics. The answer came with a weary smile: “Because the marketing department has never been happier.” Indeed, every settlement cheque comes with a glossy brochure featuring Dr. MA’s beaming face and the tagline “Pioneering Tomorrow’s Regrets Today.”
So, to the public, I say this with all the admiration my withered soul can muster: Demand Dr. MA! Insist that your hospital hire more surgeons of his calibre. After all, what is a little “statistical outlier” in mortality rates compared to the sheer brilliance of a man who can fillet a PR disaster as skilfully as he… well, as skilfully as he operates?
Before you choose your next surgeon, don’t ask about complication rates. Ask about Instagram follower count. Don’t seek board certifications; look for morning-show appearances and sponsored protein-shake placements. In the modern medical landscape, Dr. MA isn’t just a surgeon—he is the future.
May Dr. MA’s scalpel be ever sharp, and his publicist even sharper.
